Do you speak Bird?
by CassieHalliday
Summary: Tony and Clint aren't speaking to each other. Linguistics is called in. One shot, just for fun!


**Just a quick one shot that I felt like writing :) if you like, please take a look at my new avengers fanfic Sparks. Enjoy!**

"Excuse me, sir." A small blonde woman tapped Tony Stark politely on the shoulder. He sat alone in one of the large meeting rooms of the SHIELD hub, which seemed strange, but the agents had all learned long ago not to question what the Iron Man was doing. Ever. "You're Tony Stark, right?"

"The one and only." Tony answered, spinning around in his chair to face her, looking as calm and cool as ever. "And you are?"

"I'm from linguistics." The poor woman only received a questioning look in return. Apparently Tony had forgotten that he had asked for anyone. She sighed. "You called linguistics. You were asking for someone who could speak... Kurdish?" She reminded him. She was still wondering what Tony Stark needed with a rather obscure language.

"Ah! Yes. Now I remember. However, I did not request someone who spoke Kurdish. Is that even a real thing?" He looked at her seriously. She said nothing. "I specifically requested someone who could speak Birdish." He enunciated carefully.

She must have heard wrong. She must have. The linguist sighed inwardly. Rumours were rife around the office about Tony Stark and his antics. Maybe it was a prank... "Sorry, did you say..." She trailed off expectantly.  
"Birdish. Yes. Like a... Hawk, for example." The avenger nodded, keeping his face completely straight. For some reason, he then repeated it louder, as if he wanted someone to hear. "I asked for someone who could speak bird!" He announced. "Can you speak bird?" He questioned, leaning towards her, then darting his eyes about the empty meeting room. Bemused, Tina from linguistics looked around the room, wondering if there was something she was missing.

"Anyway!" Tony clapped his hands suddenly, rubbing them together schemingly. "You seem to be able to speak English, and that's second best."  
"Is this some kind of joke, Mr Stark, because I..." She was interrupted by Tony.  
"I need you to tell bird-brain over there that I am no longer speaking to him." He gestured towards a point high on the ceiling, and sure enough, Clint Barton himself was perched on a beam, holding a bow loosely and watching with a sour face.

"Umm... What?" The woman was still confused as to whether or not this was all real. "Are you serious?"  
"Yeah. Just go over there and tell him. You might need to stand on a chair or something."  
"Okay then..." She agreed reluctantly. She moved slowly over towards Hawkeye, who stared down at her with raised eyebrows. She turned around, looking back at Stark for confirmation, but he only made a quick shooing motion, pushing her onwards.

Awkwardly, she pulled a chair out from beneath the glass table that dominated the centre of the grey room, the squeaking protests of the chair cutting through the tense silence. The translator kicked off her high heels and stepped up onto the seat. She cleared her throat nervously.

"Mr. Stark would like me to tell you that he is no longer speaking to you." She said quickly, then stood, patiently awaiting either a reply or some kind of reprimand as the assassin stared daggers at Stark.  
"Well, could you tell Mr. Stark that it will be a nice break from his constant yammering." Hawkeye smiled, sickly sweet, so that he only looked twice as scary as usual.

She turned to Tony behind her, not bothering to get down from the chair. "Uh... He says that it will be a nice break from your..." She grimaced as she passed on the insult, "constant yammering." Tony's face took on the perfect image of outrage, and he spat back.  
"Tell 'Mr. Barton'," he said mockingly, "that at least I can talk, instead of being an arrogant dick like him, sitting up on the roof like a damned CCTV camera!"

Rolling her eyes, the woman spun back round, relaying the message to Barton, who looked Stark angrily in the eyes whilst making up his own reply. "Tell him that if I'm the arrogant one now, then he's going to be out of a job!"  
Again the translator and opened her mouth to speak, but this time Tony got there first. "Well tell him that at least I've moved into the 21st century, unlike some people!" He shouted pointedly.  
"Tell Stark that some of us have skills, and don't need to rely on computers to do our work for us!" Clint yelled from behind her. The argument was quickly becoming more and more heated, and the beleaguered woman had no wish to get between two avengers in a fight.

"Tell Katniss over there that genius doesn't need caveman weapons to get by." Tony flouted, smirking his signature smirk.  
"Oh, so I'm a caveman now, Stark? Who are you then? A friggin' transformer?" Barton questioned threateningly. Stark gave him an indignant look for a second before turning back to the translator.  
"Apparently you need to remind Agent Barton that I am not speaking to him." Hawkeye groaned.

"Dammit, quit acting like a child!" He complained.  
"Tell him that I am not acting like a child." Stark instructed petulantly.  
"Uh, he says that he is not acting like a child." the translator repeated, mentally kicking herself for getting involved with whatever this was.

At that point, Clint jumped down from his nest on the beam, the terrified translator hopping out of the way to avoid the wrath of the angry assassin. This was not going well. "Maybe you should both calm down." She suggested weakly. She was ignored completely by both men, Stark now having stood up to face his opponent.

Just in time, the door burst open, and Director Fury stormed through. "What the hell is going on in here?" He demanded. The translator gasped and tried to look inconspicuous, and both of the brave heroes of the battle of New York pointed to the other, shouting, "He did it!".

"I don't care who started it, I am ending it!" Fury raged. The linguist looked up, suddenly struggling to hold in her laughter as she realised just how funny the situation really was. Unfortunately, Fury noticed. "Do you think this is funny, Agent?" He hissed.  
"No, sir." She squeaked, dipping her head.  
"You are dismissed." He said firmly. Holding onto her little remaining dignity, the woman slipped her shoes back on and headed to the door, everyone watching her in silence. "Agent!" Fury called, just as she had made it to the door. She looked back warily. "No one hears about this. Right?"  
"Of course sir." She nodded enthusiastically, half running from the room.

"What was this about?" Fury gave the two men a look that meant business. Clint was the first to answer, his voice quiet and slightly shamed.  
"Tony said bows were pointless, ridiculous and pretentious." He accused. It took all Nick Fury's willpower not to put his head in his hands out of pure frustration.  
"Barton called my suit a tin can with christmas lights." Stark pushed back.

Fury said nothing, shaking his head like a disappointed mother. "I will not deal with another one of your arguments, do you understand? And if you bring another Agent into your stupid fights, I will cut off your personnel privileges. Got it?" Hawkeye and Iron Man nodded sullenly, arms crossed grumpily across their chests. "Good." Director Fury swept back out of the room, trench coat flapping behind him.

* * *

Back down in linguistics, after a mug of coffee and the pestering of colleagues, someone managed to get the story out of Tina. Clint and Tony never did work out why people had suddenly started referring to them as Katniss and the transformer.


End file.
